Hi! I’m Ian. I write things constantly and edit things frequently. I live in Dallas, Texas, with my wife and two spoiled dogs. Anything else? Just ask, my life is an open book.
Literally—here’s the book:
The Book of Ian
You are born straight, white, and middle-class. Welcome to easy street! Turn to page 2.
You are a kid in San Antonio, Texas, the home of death metal and good Tex-Mex food.
- To be athletic, turn to page 3.
- To be a chubby nerd, turn to page 6.
You study a lot, get good grades without trying too hard, and land a scholarship that you don’t truly need (but are nonetheless grateful for), and go to college.
- To study something useful, turn to page 18.
- To study philosophy, politics, and creative writing, turn to page 20.
God, what a dope. What are you going to do now? Maybe you can pay rent with Kant’s categorical imperative? No? Find a job. You’re such a disappointment, everyone says so. I can’t believe I’m stuck being your narrator.
- To find a job in journalism, turn to page 21.
- To find a job in publishing, turn to page 23.
Ugh, this is terrible. Turn to page 23, quickly!
You work in publishing. You absolutely love it, but it’s hard to do it full-time. The hours are long but you don’t mind because you’re working with the only thing you’ve always loved: books.
- To confront the essential lack of meaning inherent in the human condition, turn to page 27.
You die alone and are soon forgotten. The sun explodes, irradiating everything humanity has ever accomplished.
It’s… not a very good book.